POLICE ASSOCIATION OF NOVA SCOTIA 97 shamed by their partners for being too feminine or too masculine, for not “passing” according to socially accepted gender norms, for being out, for not being out, or a number of other reasons. Many of us grew up in families where there was a lot of conflict or where violence was common. Violence is on television, in movies, in video games, in advertisements, and online. It is often considered normal to be dominant and even to be violent, especially for men. Social expectations can play a role in abuse. Both men and women may feel pressured to act out traditional gender roles. Social expectations can lead people to believe that it is acceptable for men to be ‘tough’ and abusive, and for women to be peacekeepers who make sure everyone in the home is happy. These gender roles can make men feel pressured to show their masculinity through controlling their female partners. Gender roles can also make it seem that a power imbalance in relationships is normal and acceptable. The pressures of traditional gender roles often lead women to be blamed if their home is not harmonious, even if their partner is choosing to abuse. These pressures can also lead to women blaming themselves. People who abuse often believe that ending the abuse is not their responsibility. They often blame the victim. They might say, “she made me” or “she drove me to it”. Abusive partners sometimes confuse abusive behaviour with expressing anger. Anger is an emotion that everyone experiences, and it can be expressed in healthy ways. Abuse is never acceptable. Sometimes actions are in self‐defense or an immediate response to being abused. If you respond to abuse by yelling, putting your partner down, slapping, or using aggressive behavior, it does not in any way excuse your partner’s abusive behavior. No one has the right to abuse others. Is there a pattern to abuse? In an abusive relationship, your partner might only be abusive on a rare occasion, or might be abusive to you only once. Other abusive partners are abusive many times during the relationship. Abuse and violence can start early in some relationships. In other relationships, the abuse may start later sometimes during pregnancy. Violence and abuse may be used to maintain power and control over you. You may notice that there is a pattern to this behaviour. It could look like this: • Tension and anger start to build up. Sometimes there is an argument between you and your partner. • Your partner physically abuses you or makes threats about becoming violent. Why does abuse happen? continued continued
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