Police AssociAtion of novA scotiA 93 As originally published on www.kidpower.org By Irene van der Zande, Kidpower Executive Director Kidpower hears countless stories from upset parents whose children from toddlers to teenagers have been victimized by harassment and bullying at school. School is a big part of our kids’ lives but it’s usually parents who make the decisions about how and where their children get an education. This means that most young people have no choice about where they go to school. As parents, we expect schools to provide an environment that is emotionally and physically safe for our children. It’s normal to feel terrified and enraged about any kind of threat to our children’s well being, especially in a place where they have to be. Schools are often doing a valiant job of trying to meet an overwhelming array of conflicting demands. But when your own child is being bullied, it is normal for protective parents to want to fix the problem immediately – and maybe to punish the people who caused your child to be hurt, embarrassed or scared. When possible, try to notice problems when they are small. Pay attention to changes in your child’s behavior. Encourage children to tell you about what happens at school. Listen calmly without lecturing. Volunteer even a couple of hours a week in the classroom or school yard so that you can both help out and stay aware of potential problems at school. If your child has a bullying problem at school, here are seven practical People Safety solutions that can help parents to be effective in taking charge. 1. Stop Yourself from Knee-Jerk Reactions If your child tells you about being bullied at school, this is an important opportunity for you to model for your child how to be powerful and respectful in solving problems. As hard as it is likely to be, your first job is to calm down. Take a big breath and say, in a quiet and matter-of-fact voice, “I’m so glad you’re telling me this. I’m sorry this happened to you – please tell me more about exactly what happened so we can figure out what to do. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable at school.” If your child didn’t tell you but you found out some other way, say calmly, "I saw this happen/heard about this happening. It looked/sounded like it might be unpleasant for you. Can you tell me more about it?" If you act upset your child is likely to get upset too. She might want to protect you and herself from your reaction by not telling you about problems in the future or by denying that anything is wrong. The older your child is, the more important it is that she’s able to feel some control about any follow-up actions you might take with the school. In addition, if you act upset when you’re approaching school officials or the parents of children who are bothering your child, they’re likely to become defensive. Nowadays, school administrators are often fearful of lawsuits, both from the parents of the child who was victimized and from the parents of the child who was accused of causing the problem. This is a real fear because a lawsuit can seriously drain a school’s already limited resources. At the same time, most school administrators truly want to address problems that affect the wellbeing of their students. They’re far more likely to respond positively to parents who are approaching them in a calm and respectful way. However, no matter how good a job you do, some people will react badly when they’re first told about a problem. Don't let that stop you – stay calm and be persistent about explaining what the issue is and what you want to see happen. 2. Get Your Facts Right Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, take time to get the whole story. Ask questions of your child in a calm, reassuring way and listen to the answers. Ask questions of other people who might be involved, making it clear that your goal is to understand and figure out how to address the problem rather than to get even with anybody. Once you understand the situation, it works best to look for solutions, not for blame. Try to assume that overwhelmed teachers and school administrators deserve support and acknowledgment for what they’re doing right as well as to be told what’s wrong. Try to assume that children behave in hurtful ways do so because they don’t have a better way of meeting their needs or because they have problems in their own lives. Be your child’s advocate, but accept the possibility that your child might have partially provoked or escalated the Bullying in Schools Seven Solutions for Parents From Kidpower Continued...
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