Police AssociAtion of novA scotiA 75 We hear many sad stories about young people who were confused by others who pretended to be friendly in order to get their way, but whose actual intent was to get something from them or even to cause them harm. Here are typical examples: One kindergarten teacher said, "A few of my students are so charismatic that all the other kids want to be friends with them. Sometimes they will try to control other children by saying that they will only be their friend if they agree not to play with anyone else. I tell my students that real friends don’t try to stop you from having other friends." One mother said, "My seven-yearold daughter got into big trouble because a girl she really liked trashed the school bathroom by throwing paper towels into the toilets and sinks. This girl said that, since my daughter was her friend, my daughter had to blame another one of their classmates for making this mess." One father said, "My ten-year-old son keeps getting tricked into doing another kid’s homework because he wants so much to be accepted by him." One middle school boy said, "Some girls in our school go along with sex because they want to be popular. I feel bad because some guys tell these girls how much they care about them and then make horrible jokes about what sluts they are behind their backs." One teacher of a developmentally delayed teen said, "Kids in his neighborhood pretended to be his friends and then persuaded him to steal my cell phone because they told him they needed the money." No matter how old or young you are, people who deliberately use the trappings of friendship to get you to lower your boundaries and do what they want can break your heart. Both children and adults need to know that someone who smiles at you, says kind things to you, does nice things for you, and seems funny might be enjoyable to be with, but that this friendly behavior by itself does not make this person a trustworthy friend. At the same time, having misunderstandings and crossing boundaries are normal communication problems in important relationships. Also, sometimes people change and friendships that worked for a while stop working. The reality is that some mistakes are probably unavoidable. You have to be willing to take some risks in order to get to know someone well enough to decide whether or not to keep this person as a friend. So, how do you tell the difference between someone who is behaving in a way that is likable and someone who is going to be a good bet as a friend? You have to judge by what a person does not just part of the time, but all of the time, and not just with you, but with everyone, in order to figure out whether or not someone is going to be a friend you can count on. Here are six questions that you can ask yourself- and teach kids to ask themselves - to help decide whether or not someone is being a good friend. 1) Does this person do things that are important to both of you? Acting Friendly or Truly Being Your Friend? - How to tell the difference As originally published on www.kidpower.org By Irene van der Zande, Kidpower Executive Director Friends are precious! Continued...
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